Talk about bad luck: Just when I finally perfect the art of sleeping with my eyes open at work, a little snoring problem comes along and screws up everything.

I think Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said, "I wish I had a nickel for every time this PC rebooted!"

Never make your guests feel at home. If that's what they wanted...they would have stayed at home.

I could be a rich man right now if the world placed a higher price on the ability to operate a remote control in the dark

Why is it that tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

The other morning I woke up and found that I had grown to gigantic proportions. I was the same height as Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower...It was then that I made a crucial decision: no more drinking while playing miniature golf.

So if getting there is half the fun, and a picture is worth a thousand words, is a picture of getting there worth 500 fun words?

Dear Landlord, In light of the Adelphia, Enron, and WorldCom scandals, I feel the need to inform you that my rent check didn't bounce...You merely invested poorly in the Larry Mack housing fund.

I used to have a girlfriend, but she was afraid to commit...to a specific time or place where she would ever see me again.

Just my luck: Even with the office AC running full blast, I could not get my cubicle wall cold enough to make my tongue stick.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

If you ever go to the Arctic Circle, don't order your drinks with ice...You'll just look like a tourist.

My hero as a kid was Lassie. That dog knew everything, and always provided concise, one bark answers.

DON'T Really feel like being funny today.  A year ago today they took over 3400 of our men, women and childeren from us, over 2000 bodies completely vanished from the face of the earth, but their sprit is still with us, unseen but still with us, like the unseen American sprit that has been rekindled by their sacrifice.  (Aired 9/11/02)

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

Change is good. Particularly when you've been wearing the same underwear for several days.

I was sitting around drinking the other day and I got to wondering: Who invented the Magic 8 Ball? Because, come on, they must've been REALLY smart.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Baby first laughs at the age of four weeks…by that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

Light travels faster than sound…This is why some people appear bright until you hear ‘em speak.

Eat right…Stay fit…Die anyway.

From the Larry Mack dictionary…the definition of the word FLASHLIGHT: A case for holding dead batteries.

From the Larry Mack dictionary: the definition of the word "SHIN" ~ a device used for finding furniture in the dark.

I don't like to think of it as going to work every day, so much as going to a big building with free coffee where I can pee on the seat without fear of retribution.

Time may be a great healer, but its also a lousy beautician.

I don't mind the ratrace, but I could do with a little more cheese.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs louder.

If at first you don't succeed, forget skydiving.

Before you critcize someone, walk a mile in his shoes, that way if he gets mad, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

They say that unless you're the lead dog the view never changes. However, if you actually WERE a dog...you would probably prefer the other view.

If I ever won the lottery, I would lay around all day and do nothing...But since that's pretty much what I do now...I guess I'm one lucky guy.

I am quite certain that butt sweat serves a purpose, but I don't think I'm interested in exploring this phenomenon any further.

I guess Granny needs a hearing aid after she thought those Mardi Gras guys wanted to see her pits...Better make that a hearing aid AND a razor.

When I'm rich and famous, I'm going to thank all the little people who helped me get where I am...Hey, it's cheaper than paying them.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

I asked two friends what they thought was the best part of life. One said sex and the other said true love. I'm guessing these two have never put on underwear right of the dryer.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes...why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If aliens ever come to conquer the planet and ask me who the leader of Earth is, I'm gonna say it's my boss...That buttwipe has ticked me off one too many times.

If I were a dairy cow, I don't know which I'd prefer--the leisurely life of nonstop grazing or the daily sessions with a machine massaging my nipples.

"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"

"You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fallover but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time".

Word to the Wise: A barrel full of monkeys isn't fun for very long if there aren't any air holes.

I bet ten-foot poles don't get much use.